Power of the Future
Almost one whole year after the creation of this website and this blog, my academic career exists simultaneously as a distant memory and as if it were yesterday. Yesterday, in fact—-and many days, often—I am asked “what do you like to do outside of here?” be it at the cafe I work, the bouldering gym where I climb, or the “Covid-safe” get-togethers where I mingle with aquaintances. I say some form of “well, technically, art and art history are what I studied. I do really love those things. Do I practice them? Perhaps not. But I will.” They always wonder why I don’t. They always tell me that today could be the day that I pick up my paintbrushes and lay my expressive genius upon the canvas. That I could pick up the camera start snapping.
School taught me that I do and don’t want to engage in a critical practice. Yes, I could just pick up paint or a camera and find joy in simply expressing and creating, going into a meditative yet meaningless flow. But I’ve learned that that doesn’t hold enough of my interest. I want my art-making process to be laborious, methodical, well-informed, researched, exhausting. School was exhausting for me. While I fell in love with this kind of practice, I began to become wearied by it.
How do I create art that I enjoy? How do marry the process materially and ideologically?
I am beginning to think that perhaps its time that I slow down. I’ve slowed down in every other facet of my life within this past year. I’ve taken time to breathe, introspect, feel emotionally, feel physically, take care of myself and grow into this healthy, happy, strong and wise woman. It’s time that I slow down the art-making process. Projects and studies that lasted merely semesters or years can now go on for as long as I please. There is time. In fact, “outside of here,” I have nothing but time. I no longer have to be worn out by the process but I can slow down to fully engage with every step from reading and engaging with ideas to sketching out thoughts to reaching some flow in creating to critiquing, reflecting, and sharing. There is time.
I have the idea to begin with reading; rather than some generative process which requires vulnerability, creativity, and imagination, I wish to scoop up my brain goo and engage in the brilliant works of silly little critical theorists, French philosophers, and the like. I will somewhat methodically read through Jae Emerling’s “Theory for Art History” and Donald Preziosi’s “The Art of Art History,” drawing upon outside materials to supplement, and synthesize some thoughts here periodically. I think that this is doable…dare I say exciting? Fun?
Much like critical theory itself, my practice does not exist in the past, but rather, it is a mode of thought committed to the “power of the future (Deleuze).”
What Now
This coming Sunday—Mother’s Day, 2020, as Rollins brags—marks my undergraduate commencement. And yet I feel no sense of conclusion or excitement. I don’t know what to look forward to nor what to look back on. My time earning my undergraduate degree has been absolutely essential to my development as a human being and a scholar; but while I feel like I have gained some incredible skills, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten to use or practice them how I’d like to. I truly feel prepared to do more, experience more, yet there is nowhere to go. The global pandemic has me at a stand still with no idea what to aim for next. Here I am, preparing a website, cleaning up my CV, writing cover letters, and for what? What will the arts world look like after this? There are so many people suffering harshly that I am simply grateful to have a roof over my head and food on the table (thanks to my parents). At what point to I settle with this luxury and at what point do I decide that I deserve more? Does anyone deserve anything ever?
I guess all I want to say is that I am, in theory, excited for the future. I am excited for some free time to pursue new projects. I am excited to try new things, meet new people, see new places. In practice, I don’t know how or when I can feasibly start my post-grad life. I guess it will start whether I feel a way about it or not.
So anyways, here is the link to my blog from college. stinecole.blogspot.com. It’s nice to reference old things, but I’m starting fresh now.